My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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