Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
