I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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