I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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