Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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