The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
