I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize