at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
