So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
