I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
