I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
