I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
