So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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