Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
