how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
