remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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