tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
