He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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