genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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