she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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