i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
