he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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