I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
