Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
