Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
