Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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