1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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