I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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