i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize