I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
