i was born a porn star she said
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
