Please, let me fuck your mom
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
