I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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