Buhtt sex?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
