we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
