You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize