So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
