Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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