If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this hospital has no fireball
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
