Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
