The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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