I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
