I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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