Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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