Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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