I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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