his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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