Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
