My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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