why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
