Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize