Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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