So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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