i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
