we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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