a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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