Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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