My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
